Predictions For The Forthcoming Season

Cornish Piskie

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Jen's predictions up to Christmas.......


July

England's women's football team finally achieve equality with their male counterparts by losing to Germany on penalties in the final of their European Championship. In a tense closely fought final that ends 1 - 1 after extra time, the English girls show that they're finally ready to be accepted as equals by blazing the decisive penalty high and wide.

"We beat Germany with a penalty for the bronze medal at the last world cup and we felt really guilty about it," said captain Steph Houghton after the game. "We knew we'd never achieve parity with the men's team until we started losing big games in tournaments. It's taken us a long time to happen but I feel we can now look the boys in the face".

Crisp salesman Gary Lineker said, "The girls played brilliantly and gave it their all, but it's probably for the best that they get into the habit of playing in the manner to which England fans are accustomed. It's the only way they'll ever gain acceptance."


August

The Premier League finally bows to pressure from clubs and introduces a winter break. “Keeping players fresh during the season will give England the best possible chance of reaching the World Cup Round of 16 in 2018,” says an FA Spokesman. Manchester United immediately announce that they will be taking a restful two week break in the Middle East in January, punctuated only by lucrative fixtures against Qatar, Kuwait, Yemen, the United Arab Emirates and a Saudi Oil Tycoon XI. “It’s important to keep players match fit” says Jose Maurinho.

West Brom are struggling to find a replacement for Tony Pulis after his shock decision to accept the manager’s job offered to him at Barcelona after Zizou is sacked for head butting Messi during a training ground bust up. Claud Puel is initially appointed to the vacant Baggies hot seat, but then resigns after his first training session. “I cannot work with these people,” he complains. “They have no idea what a short pass to feet is.”


September

History is made at Selhurst Park when Crystal Palace and Burnley play out the first Premier League game in which every minute of the match is marked by commemorative applause. The last memorial of the game is to Joe-Joe, Berg Gudmundsson’s recently deceased pet budgie, who died at the age of just 89 days. Both sets of fans impeccably observe a minute’s applause during the 89th minute but Sean Dyche angrily condemns a minority of Palace “idiots” who ruin the tribute by “disrespectfully” cheering their team’s last minute winning goal. “Disgraceful,” he storms. “It makes you wonder what our society is coming to.”

Meanwhile at Camp Nou, Tony Pulis adds “Some much needed defensive strength” to his team just as the transfer deadline expires. Jonny Evans, Craig Dawson, Ryan Shawcross and Geoff Cameron blaze a trail to Catalonia and are welcomed by wildly cheering Barca supporters. However the only other signing at this time, James McLean, fails to win the fans over by joining ETA and turning his back on the Catalan national anthem.


October

Jose Mourinho says he is no longer interested in playing mind games. “I am tired of sending messages through the media,” he says. “I had enough of that at Chelsea which is a club where I am still adored and where I hope to return one day. It is no secret that I dream of being the Special One again. Maybe it will happen this season. Maybe not. Who knows.”

England are 1-0 up against Lithuania in Vilnius when a shot from Valskis hits the bar and bounces down over the goal line. The referee initially waves play on, but Hawkeye alerts him to the fact that a goal has been scored. England go on to lose and the backlash from the tabloid press is savage. “Our brave boys have been cheated out of Russia 2018 by anti-Brexit forces” screams a Daily Mail editorial. “Nobody in this country voted for goal-line technology. When will the Eurocrats learn to stop meddling with our game? Brexit means Brexit.” Gareth Southgate is sacked as manager, only to be swiftly reinstated when Steve McClaren and Sam Allardyce emerge as the only people who want the job.


November

Celtic wrap up the Scottish Premier League title with six months of the season to go. Manager Brendan Rodgers denies that the Scottish Premier League is uncompetitive. “There are no easy games in Scottish football,” he said after his side’s 14-0 win over Partick Thistle.

Peter Crouch announces his retirement from football. “I had intended to do it at the end of the season,” he says. “But I’ve got so much on in my life, with my ballroom dancing and businesses. I thought I might get a call from Tony in Spain. Perhaps he’s busy right now. I’ll probably do punditry on BT Sport instead and have a soft job talking bollocks just like Michael Owen and Ian Wright. “


December

As Barcelona saunter towards Spanish title and Champions League victory, Tony Pulis is feted as one of the best managers in Europe. Some critics had speculated whether he could reproduce his unique “kick-et-rush” style on a balmy Sunday night at Camp Nou, but Pulis has proven them all wrong. He’s offered a four year extension on his contract after promising “I’m determined to get this club playing my way,” as he announces that Nacer Chadli and Craig Dawson will be joining during the January transfer window. “My methods are starting to work though,” he went on. “Iniesta’s long-throw technique is improving all the time and Neymar’s working hard at his flick-ons.”
 

Bobbin'

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Hate to be the one to have to do this as I enjoyed that post but Zizou is manger of Real Madrid.
 

Dirk

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:2thumb: Funny one, thank you for it

England's women's football team finally achieve equality with their male counterparts by losing to Germany on penalties in the final of their European Championship. In a tense closely fought final that ends 1 - 1 after extra time, the English girls show that they're finally ready to be accepted as equals by blazing the decisive penalty high and wide.

I like that scenario (although I am a bit sceptical that we win this Euro again, for the 7th time in a row. )

btw: We have a Women's Euro 2017 thread, just in case you didn't notice yet. Contribution is very welcome (we are only 3-4 guys there, the rest are too "macho" to admit that they watch women's football /i <--- irony, just in case ;) )

http://www.onefootballforum.co.uk/index.php?threads/uefa-womens-euro-2017.15526/


November

Celtic wrap up the Scottish Premier League title with six months of the season to go. Manager Brendan Rodgers denies that the Scottish Premier League is uncompetitive.

Seems that the 2017/18 season for the SPL is an exciting one. Celtic wins the title with only 6 months to go? Hah, Bayern Munich will beat that ;)
 

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