The Joke thread

[Red]

I fell asleep the other night after accidentally taking my weekly Viagra pill with a glass of Tipex.

I woke up with an enormous correction.

We've all been there,

 

[claret50]

I met a transvestite from Manchester last night.
She had a Wigan address.

 

[Tivvyultras]

how does good king wenlesles like his pizzas?

deepan crisp and even

 

[claret50]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Is he dead?” asks the sergeant.
"I don't think so" replies the officer.
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet." replies the officer.
"Why not for Christ's sake? asks the sergeant.
"Are you mad? her floor’s still wet.”

 

[johnnytodd]

ISIS Awards Night:

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

 

[johnnytodd]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."

"You crafty c***," said the fairy.

 

[Leo]

The D.O.E. issued a warning saying anyone travelling in snowy conditions should take a shovel, some blankets, a sleeping bag, some extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, warm fleece, a flask of hot water, 24 hour supply of food and drink, a few tins of de-icer, a bag of rock salt, a torch, spare batteries, a hot water bottle, a tow rope, a filled petrol can, a first aid kit and a set of jump leads.
I looked like a right c*nt on the bus this morning

 

[Leo]

 

[johnnytodd]

Man goes the docs with awfull stomach cramps

doc says " take these tablets and put one up your back passage every morning for a week, if the problem persists come back and see me"

week later the man returns, telling the doc the problem hasn't gone and in fact has gotten 10 times worse.

doc says "£did you do what I said and put a tablet in your back passage every morning"

man says " ahh well doc, we haven't got a back passage at our house so I put them in the hallway, for the amount of good that did I might as well as shoved them up my arse"

 

[TubularBells]

I said to my Doctor “I’ve badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident”. He said “Did you fall off your board?” I said “No, I had to slam my laptop shut because the wife walked in

 

[TubularBells]

Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year. Even if he has to write the song himself.

 

[Leo]

I said to my Doctor “I’ve badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident”. He said “Did you fall off your board?” I said “No, I had to slam my laptop shut because the wife walked in

 

[Leo]

 

[Leo]

A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

 

[johnnytodd]

I had 6 pints of yoghurt last night

i was mullerd

 

[Leo]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.'

 

[silkyman]

I met a transvestite from Manchester last night.
She had a Wigan address.

So she wasn't from Manchester then?

 

[claret50]

Apologies to Salty & Leo.

I went into a Scottish bakery, earlier.

'How much is that cake?' I asked the baker.

'A poond'

And how much is that one?

'A poond'

And that one?

'A poond'

'In fact, all ma cakes are a poond', he said.

'Ach, apart from that one'

'Its two poonds'

Why's that then?

'That's Madeira cake..'

 

[claret50]

So she wasn't from Manchester then?

Think about it.

 

[Leo]

Apologies to Salty & Leo.

I went into a Scottish bakery, earlier.

'How much is that cake?' I asked the baker.

'A poond'

And how much is that one?

'A poond'

And that one?

'A poond'

'In fact, all ma cakes are a poond', he said.

'Ach, apart from that one'

'Its two poonds'

Why's that then?

'That's Madeira cake..'

a poond ? You were robbed Claret.....

 

[TubularBells]

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" She repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."

 

[TubularBells]

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.

 

[silkyman]

Think about it.

Was she from Manchester or Wigan? If it was Manchester then she would have had a Manchester address. If it was Wigan the she was from Wigan, not Manchester.

It's like saying someone with an Oxford address is from London.

 

[JaseTheVillain]

 

[claret50]

Was she from Manchester or Wigan? If it was Manchester then she would have had a Manchester address. If it was Wigan the she was from Wigan, not Manchester.

It's like saying someone with an Oxford address is from London.

Ok, I'll make it simple just for you, a Wigan Address = Wig - and a dress.

 

[silkyman]

Yes. I get that bit.

Why was she 'from Manchester'?

 

[claret50]

 

[Bobbin']

I bet Silkyman is a riot on a night out.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

She was originally from Manchester but moved to Wigan when she was 18 to live the high life.

 

[Christian Slater]

Why couldn't the Iguana get it up?

He had a reptile dysfunction.