The Joke thread

Leo · Oct 5, 2016

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

Leo · Oct 5, 2016

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Kim Mitten · Oct 6, 2016

are there any rules as to how offensive a joke I can post? Not racist or anything like that, but it's bad. May have been heard or be on here already, I can't be bothered to look back through this whole post.

JimJams · Oct 6, 2016

Use your own judgement.

johnnytodd · Oct 6, 2016

Kim Mitten said:
are there any rules as to how offensive a joke I can post? Not racist or anything like that, but it's bad. May have been heard or be on here already, I can't be bothered to look back through this whole post.

only 1 rule no jokes about sheepshaggers

Leo · Oct 6, 2016

johnnytodd said:
only 1 rule no jokes about sheepshaggers

any particular reason....is it a subject close to your heart ?

eightiesrobin · Oct 6, 2016

Leo said:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Might nick that one Leo

Leo · Oct 6, 2016

eightiesrobin said:
Might nick that one Leo

Fill your boots mate.

Kim Mitten · Oct 6, 2016

Ok then...

What's six inches long and makes women scream?

Miscarriage.

claret50 · Oct 6, 2016

Oh dear.......

Leo · Oct 7, 2016

Whether people think it's offensive or not I really didn't find it funny but that's just my opinion.

johnnytodd · Oct 7, 2016

Kim Mitten said:
Ok then...

What's six inches long and makes women scream?

Miscarriage.

Think you mean cot death.

epic73 · Oct 18, 2016

Where did Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

mistermagic · Oct 18, 2016

I don't get it.

Red · Oct 19, 2016

Kim Mitten said:
Ok then...

What's six inches long and makes women scream?

Miscarriage.

Pagnell · Oct 19, 2016

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a giant squid?

A giant squad doesn't slip its phone number into your pocket after swallowing semen.

* yes, I know the spelling is different, it's not quite as effective when written down.

johnnytodd · Oct 19, 2016

I bought the mrs a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift, but you should have seen her face light up, when she opened it.

Stevencc · Oct 19, 2016

Pagnell said:
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a giant squid?

A giant squad doesn't slip its phone number into your pocked after swallowing semen.

* yes, I know the spelling is different, it's not quite as effective when written down.

I don't get it, what does pocked mean in nautical lingo?

Pagnell · Oct 19, 2016

A husband and wife walk into a marriage counsellor's office and sit down. The marriage counsellor says "The first thing I like to do is find something my clients have in common and build from there."

The husband replies "Well, for starters, neither of us suck dick."

johnnytodd · Oct 19, 2016

Paddy tries to change his name by deed poll and is called in for an interview on the matter.

"Right Paddy what is all this you want to change your name?" asks the clerk

"i do do i'm sick of all the jokes and snigering i want to change it right now" paddy says

"ok give me your current full name first please" asks the clerk

"Partick Shithouse" he replies

and the new name you want to change it too please?

Michael.

Pagnell · Oct 19, 2016

What's long, red and hangs from a c**t.

Donald Trump's tie.

Pagnell · Oct 19, 2016

I saw Lee Majors yesterday. He looked a million dollars. He hasn't half let himself go.

claret50 · Oct 19, 2016

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland Stream. A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shit an pish!' The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me' The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way.

Leo · Oct 20, 2016

claret50 said:
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland Stream. A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shit an pish!' The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me' The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way.

Claret my cockney friend....yur gaun tae huv tae brush up oan yur Scoatish accent sur..... :P1:

claret50 · Oct 20, 2016

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Leo · Oct 21, 2016

claret50 said:
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

I was laughing even when I got to the 2nd line there. Where to put the pill? Not a drink, not a coffee but......his mashed potatoes!!!

The Iron · Oct 21, 2016

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.
So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

claret50 · Oct 24, 2016

Blonde : "My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."
Brunette : "Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."
Blonde : "How do you give shoulders?"

claret50 · Oct 25, 2016

Jane and Mabel are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Mabel: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Mabel: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Mabel hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

johnnytodd · Oct 27, 2016

during a UK Citizen test a immigration officer asks Mohammed
"question 6 - can you tell me what a cubic foot is please"
Mohammed " i'm not sure but i think my cousin tried to claim disablilty benefit for it"

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