The Joke thread

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Sorry bout the size of these.

 

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[The Iron]

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

[johnnytodd]

Bought a really interesting book on anti-gravity ...........it's that good i can't put it down.

 

[Christian Slater]

Made up another shit one for you to roll your eyes at or ignore:

Did you see the clock and the watch scrapping?

They got well out of hand.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today. I said stop wasting your time, we should be concentrating on locking them up.

 

[Veggie Legs]

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "Jesus, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.

 

[Whitechapel]

I just broke up with my japanese girlfriend, I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message

 

[The Iron]

 

[mowgli]

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "Jesus, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.

 

[claret50]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey '

 

[The Iron]

 

[claret50]

 

[claret50]

Little Johnny arrives at class and the teacher says;
"Why weren't you at school yesterday Johnny ?"

"My Dad got burnt Miss."

"Oh dear. I hope he wasn't badly burnt."

"Well they don't piss about at the Crematorium Miss."

 

[Donfuj]

A man gets a job at a zoo. One day while he's cleaning out the gorilla cage the phone rings



'Hello'? he says

'Hello I'm Miss Smith from the local primary school, our children are doing a study on gorillas and I was wondering if we could come down to the zoo and see your gorilla?' the teacher said

'Yes, no problem says the man, you can come tomorrow afternoon the man says, so long as the kids don't misbehave'

'Splendid', the teacher says, 'we'll see you tomorrow'

The next morning the man is cleaning out the gorilla cage when he turns around to discover the gorilla is dead. He goes to the head zookeeper and says 'Bill, the gorilla has died and those kids are coming to see it later today'

Bill says 'Hmmm, well you'd better go down to the fancy dress shop and get a gorilla costume then'.

'Are you fucking serious?' the man says.

'Yeah, go on get down there.

The man, feeling very pissed off returns from the costume shop dressed as a gorilla and waits in the cage for the kids.

Later the kids arrive and they start poking him with stick, throwing pop and spitting at him. He think fuck this and goes to the back of the cage so sit on the tyre swing.

The kids shout swing gorilla swing, so he starts to swing. 'Swing higher!', they yell, so he swings higher. 'Higher!' the kids shout, so he swings higher until eventually he flies off the tyre and lands in the lion's enclosure. After a few seconds he gets up and realises where he is. He goes running up to the bars shouting 'Help, get me fucking out of here'. Suddenly a lion shouts to him 'Shut the fuck up, you'll get us all sacked!"

Wasnt expecting that ending.

 

[Whitechapel]

Woke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch.

The plot thickens.

 

[The Iron]

My computer asked me to enter a password with at least 8 characters, so my new password is now SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarfs

 

[Red]

Woke up this morning with an aeroplane on my bed. Someone had left the landing light on overnight.

 

[TomPNE94]

Woke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch.

The plot thickens.

Stealing this.

 

[Stagat]

Stealing this.

Shameless. After he's done all the groundwork.

 

[TomPNE94]

Shameless. After he's done all the groundwork.

excellent