The Joke thread

[Red]

Did this one in the old forum.

A man is in court for battering hid wife to death with a hammer. The judge is reading out the charge when suddenly a man in the public gallery shouts send the bastard down for life. Be quite the judge roars or I will have you for contempt of court. The man sits down and says I'm sorry your honour but I've lived nextdoor to that man for 20 years and every time I've asked him if I can borrow a hammer he's said he hasn't got one.

 

[johnnytodd]

Driving down the M6 I seen a broken down tour bus from that group 'Mike and the Mechanics'

i opened the window and shouted ' you lying bastards'

true story.

 

[The Iron]

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy's in the pub when he was approached by a Gypsy selling a magic mirror
" Paddy wud ye like to buy a mirror for the mrs to keep her sweet, its a magic mirror and will grant you 1 wish to come true"
"aye i will give us it" Paddy says
He takes it home after another 8 pints and stumbles thru de door
" Mary Mary where r ye i have a present"
"What in the lords name is dat" Mary says
"its a magic mirror go on make a wish" paddy said
Mary walks up to the mirror and says " Mirror mirror on the wall make my tits a 44"
and sure enough her tits turned to magnificent 44 dd
" give me dat here" paddy says
"mirror mirror on the wall make my cock touch the floor"














and his legs fell off

 

[Whitechapel]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

He was kneading a poo.

 

[The Iron]

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, been swimming with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

 

[Pliny Harris]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[johnnytodd]

3 frogs on a lilly pad

1st frog rays "ribbit"

2nd frog says "ribbit ribbit"

3rd frog says "ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbitt"

at this point the 1st frog jumps over the 2nd frog and beats up the 3rd frog and pushed him off the lilly pad

the 2nd frog asks the 1st frog " why did u do that?"

1st frog says "i'm sick of him going on and on"

 

[The Iron]

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

[johnnytodd]

Man walks into a Zoo and is unable to see any animals

He asks the Zookeeper "where are all the animals?"

Zookeeper replies "we only have 1 and its a dog"

1 dog ? he replies " what a shit Zoo?"

correct says the Zookeeper

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy walks in the house and slams the door behind him.............SLAM !

"whats up with you?" Mary his wife asks

"Its that fucking milkman, he's just been bragging in the pub he's shagged all the women in this street bar one"

she replies "I bet it is that stuck up woman at number 24"

 

[The Iron]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says."I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

 

[johnnytodd]

Bit of a long one but here goes:

Paddy and Murphy are on the dole and sitting at home watching the racing fed up and nothing to do.

Paddy says i'm sick of this life surely there's something we can do and if there's a god he will surely help us one day.

That's it Murphy says lets go see the the pope he will surely be able to help us.

Next day they both set off and thumb a lift all the way to the Vatican and arrive 3 weeks later

As they get to the gates of the Popes residence they are closing for the night and are told to comeback next month

as the pope is away on trip.

Murphy turns to Paddy and says he is not waiting a month and is going to climb up the wall and sneak in

So they both climb the wall looking through each window to see if they can catch a glimpse of the pope

At the very last window almost 5 stories up Murphy whispers to Paddy there he is the Pope getting ready for bed lets shout him quick

Just then the pope drops to the floor with a heart attack and lies on the floor motionless

Murphy says we need to help him, wait says Paddy this our chance the pope has given us a chance

We need to get home tonight and get a bet on at the bookies that the pope will die tomorrow, they wont find him til the morning, the odds will be huge

So luckily they get home that night somehow and race to the bookies to put the bet on

The next morning the telly is full of the news of the popes death and Paddy races to the bookies

20,000 to 1 he shouts as he walks in the bookies smiling, get fucking in there he shouts

He collects his money and asks if anyone has seen Murphy, they say he just left in tears

He rushes outside to find Murphy crying and swearing to himself

Whats up Murphy he asks we are rich, you did put the bet on the pope being dead didn't yer?

I did Murphy says but i was feeling lucky so i put a double on with the Archbishop of Canterbury dying too

 

[JJH]

Not really a joke - but it made me laugh

 

[The Iron]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

 

[claret50]

A husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an i POD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained that it can be integrated with the iCOOK, iWASH and iCLEAN network.
This triggered the iNAG service which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

 

[The Iron]

Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

[Red]

What's pink and hard?
A pig with an ak47

 

[johnnytodd]

Mate died yesterday with cronic heartburn

can't believe Gav is gone.

 

[The Iron]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

[johnnytodd]

Englishman Scotsman and a Chinese man go for a job on a building site Englishman says hes a brickie and is told to build walls

Scotsman is a plasterer and is told plaster all the walls. Chinese man says he can't do anything skilled and is told by the foreman to give the Englishman and Scotsman there supplies when they ask for it.

Foreman goes away for the weekend and comes back to check how work is progressing Fuck me there's nothing been done since I've been away he says.

Why haven't you built any walls Englishman he says and why haven't you plastered anything Scotsman ye lazy twats and where is that Chinese man i want to speak to him too, just then the Chinese man jumps from behind the cement mixer and shouts

' SUPPLIES SUPPLIES"

 

[Red]

A rich man is hosting a party at his mansion. He takes all the guests down to his swimming pool and says now my friends if any man is brave enough to swim the length of my shark infested pool. He may have the c*** of any one of these delightful girls. Suddenly 3 naked girls appear. Nobody moves for a few seconds as they all look at each other when suddenly there is a splash. All eyes turn to the pool and see a man swimming for his life as the sharks attack him. Eventually he drags himself out of the pool cut to shreds. The host says well done my man and now which of these c*** do you want? Gasping, the man says I want the c*** that pushed me in.

 

[The Iron]

This gave me a good laugh, so i thought i'd post it in here.

 

[johnnytodd]

Went to the doctors last week as i was addicted to the ' Hokey Cokey'

Doctor said not to worry i'd turn it around myself and that's what its all about

 

[Pagnell]

 

[The Iron]

A woman in Somerset was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung. No Siemen was found.

 

[D B Disco]

A woman in Somerset was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung. No Siemen was found.

WURZELIST!

 

[Richard Cranium]

Mr Brightside and Roxanne were found dead this morning.

The Police are looking for The Killers

 

[mowgli]

WURZELIST!

 

[The Iron]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."