The Joke thread

[Red]

Did you hear about the dickhead who spent a hour of this morning contriving piss poor jokes?
He went in the shower... thankfully.

 

[Etty Abrics]

Yeah the absurdity is funny. I love that sausage joke too. The idea of a sausage that cannot competently fly a a helicopter, mad.

The sausage in question actually did learn to fly competently, but not how to land. Unfortunately, because no-one would ever employ a sausage, or have any reason to give it any form of currency, all it could offer to recompense for lessons was the bit of plastic coating it on the Co-Op shelf.

Mohamed Atta needed some protection for his box cutters.

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

This is actually a true story.

I once knew a bloke called Dave. Dave was quite a successful chap, good job, wife called Sandra that he loved dearly, couple of kids, but he was an absolute nut for tractors. His bedroom was covered in tractor wall paper, his shelves were covered in little tractor memorabilia. He'd trek all over the country to tractor events, from the Suffolk Show in Bury St. Edmunds, to the tractor conventions in the Scottish Highlands. He even once got an official warning at work when his boss found tractor porn (yes, it exists) on his work computer.

His obsession was taking over his life, he was neglecting his wife and kids. He forgot his 15th wedding anniversary as he was at a show just outside Tiverton, that was it, breaking point for Sandra. She waited up all night for him to come home, gave him the ultimatum, either get rid of your fucking tractors, or me and the kids are gone. Now if there was one thing Dave cared about more than his tractors, it was his family. So he whitewashed the walls, chucked out all of collectibles, unbookmarked his favourite tractor websites. He took up tennis to fill the void, and with time he got over his former obsession.

It was about five years later, Dave was waiting for the Central Line at Mile End. All of a sudden, smoke filled the station. People were crying, screaming, it was hard to breath. The smoke was getting into peoples eyes, their lungs, it was horror. The station was panicked, was this a terrorist attack? Were they going to die?

With all of his might, Dave sucked in all the smoke, he ran out of the station and let it all out. It was incredible. Due to this amazing event, he was on the New Years Honours list from the Queen. He went to receive his OBE, the Queen turns to him and says "this is quite remarkable. I want to know just how you did it". Dave replied, "oh, it was easy, I'm just an ex-tractor fan".

 

[D B Disco]

This is actually a true story.

I once knew a bloke called Dave. Dave was quite a successful chap, good job, wife called Sandra that he loved dearly, couple of kids, but he was an absolute nut for tractors. His bedroom was covered in tractor wall paper, his shelves were covered in little tractor memorabilia. He'd trek all over the country to tractor events, from the Suffolk Show in Bury St. Edmunds, to the tractor conventions in the Scottish Highlands. He even once got an official warning at work when his boss found tractor porn (yes, it exists) on his work computer.

His obsession was taking over his life, he was neglecting his wife and kids. He forgot his 15th wedding anniversary as he was at a show just outside Tiverton, that was it, breaking point for Sandra. She waited up all night for him to come home, gave him the ultimatum, either get rid of your fucking tractors, or me and the kids are gone. Now if there was one thing Dave cared about more than his tractors, it was his family. So he whitewashed the walls, chucked out all of collectibles, unbookmarked his favourite tractor websites. He took up tennis to fill the void, and with time he got over his former obsession.

It was about five years later, Dave was waiting for the Central Line at Mile End. All of a sudden, smoke filled the station. People were crying, screaming, it was hard to breath. The smoke was getting into peoples eyes, their lungs, it was horror. The station was panicked, was this a terrorist attack? Were they going to die?

With all of his might, Dave sucked in all the smoke, he ran out of the station and let it all out. It was incredible. Due to this amazing event, he was on the New Years Honours list from the Queen. He went to receive his OBE, the Queen turns to him and says "this is quite remarkable. I want to know just how you did it". Dave replied, "oh, it was easy, I'm just an ex-tractor fan".

QUITE. POSSIBLY. THE. WORST. JOKE. EVER.

(Apart from any of Red's)

 

[JimJams]

Has this become some kind of social experiment?

 

[blade1889]

Why did Red stop making jokes? He decided to turn his attention to solving the most complicated biological questions through use of statistical modelling such as the reaction diffusion gradient predicted by Alan Turing. Once this had taken his boredom away for a short while he cooked himself some dinner consisting of sausage, onion gravy, mash potato and kangaroos testes. This was a daring food combination but Red was not opposed to trying mash potatoe as he really really liked the soft fluffy bit you get inside chips. The end.

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "sir, there's a steering wheel on your belt." The pirate responds, "argh it's drivin' me nuts"....

 

[Red]

QUITE. POSSIBLY. THE. WORST. JOKE. EVER.

(Apart from any of Red's)

Says the man who awarded a like to claret50 s casually racist 'joke'

 

[claret50]

Says the man who awarded a like to claret50 s casually racist 'joke'

Casually being racist with that 'joke' which you have obviously taken offence to was that last thing on my mind, it was just a joke, no offence intended, just out of interest, do you find all the jokes referring to the Irish, Scots, English and every other nationality to be racist? if so, perhaps TB could promote you to the position of joke moderator.

 

[JimJams]

He's already been a joke moderator.

 

[D B Disco]

Says the man who awarded a like to claret50 s casually racist 'joke'

Because it was funny, and this is a joke thread isn't it?

Ethnic, Irish, Welsh, French, Canadian, Australian, Tall, Short, Fat, Blonde, Ginger, Bald, Women, Men, Disabled, Speech imparement, etc etc etc. I can recall jokes about all of these types, should we not laugh in case someone decides to take offence?

 

[Red]

Just to be clear db and claret I've not taken offence and my remark was more tongue in cheek, it's more pathetic than offensive I'd have put a smiley in to illustrate that if I could have but I can't send them from my phone.
As for it being funny db we'll have to disagree on that.

 

[The Iron]

A guy was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and told her of his uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born, simply by holding their breasts in his hands. She thought he was having her on but was nonetheless very curious. Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said “Oh go-on then, give it a go!” He stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer and asked, “Well, go-on then, that’s enough - when was I born ?” He replied “Yesterday.”

 

[D B Disco]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[The Iron]

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August!”

 

[Pagnell]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night really didn't go down too well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as being clinically obese.

 

[The Iron]

Smart kid!!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. > > One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: > 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. > > 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. > > He got an A.

 

[claret50]

A man goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks,

"Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all the lads watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my arse ?"

In horror she looks at him and replies, “No, I'm your child's maths teacher.

 

[Red]

What goes from green to red at the press of a button? A frog in a liquidiser

 

[The Iron]

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood ,"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal.
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge!

 

[Habbinalan]

 

[The Iron]

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen.

It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria.

"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.

 

[Red]

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen.

It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria.

"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.

LMFAO!

 

[The Iron]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[This Charming Mike]

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

 

[blade1889]

Colin Fry's just told me he's died, rest in peace Colin

 

[Ciderhead]

Why are postmen so good at telling jokes?

It's all in the delivery

 

[Richard Cranium]

What's the difference between One Direction and Futurama?

There's only one Bender in Futurama.

 

[JimJams]

 

[Red]

A man is stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog for company. Several years pass and the man has become so sexually frustrated that he has taken to trying to mount the pig. However, every time he attempts to enter the pig the dog starts barking its head off and growling. Eventually the man gives up.

One day the man sees a beautiful woman drowning in the sea so he rushes in to save her. After he resuscitates the woman she says 'oh my god thank you, you have saved my life. If there's anything I can do to repay you just name it'. The bloke says 'yeah, there is, will you take that fucking dog for a walk'?